1/4life crisis..

a beet sad now..feel beet hurt..and beet scared..plus beet frustrated.. cos I can't do anything to make myself feel better.. feel outta control... life sux like this man.. sheesh.

omg..now is such a bad time to blog..but aint it funny that blogging seems so right whenever we feel like tat.. it's like the only good way to channel out ur "shit" without any judgement... without any "advice" ..without any "ur problem is nothing big la.."..without any "cheer up..life is good"(*eyes roll*) ..
tat's the goood thing about a com..it's dead. heh. so it won't hit u back n make u feel worse.. =oP

Im still feeling so darn lost ..like a quarter life crisis.. so many decisions to make...but I dunno wat's a good decision... makes me feel pathetic when others are progressing in their career path..love life.. FINANCIAL life.. n watever other life they haf.. but look at me..i feel stuck. guess i pity my parents .. how come their daughter aint a big name.. maybe a ProjEct superstar winner.. or a Singapore Idol ..hmm..nah..ill just end up with my face on 7-11 posters the most..not that fantastic huh..

haiya. forget it. it will work out somehow i hope. was looking at my palm..at u know..those fate lines... wondering wat's my fate like.. do u believe in that? hmm.. Im sitting on the fence for those stuff...u can't say sometimes they scare the hell out of u when it works.. but then again..u wanna believe ur fate is "in ur hands" ...beet like Macbeth.. oh watever...but I believe in karma... u had better...if not..u will start believing it when it turns on u.... =)

love ya guys n gals loads...

in loving memory of Harry....

omg..im so sad...one of my hamsters died...the grey one..(in the pic) think it's Harry or Dick (can't remember which is which...oh..but then again, it looked more like a Harry to me..)

was changing the water and food when I realised it was curled up behind a shelter... usually it would be rushing out to grab the food (like a typical singaporean...heh) but it didn't... I had a bad feeling ..so tried to move it... BUT IT DIDN"T RESPOND!!! knew smtg was wrong...got my brother to check..and found out it's really dead.
OMG... I don't know why I just can't stand such situations...seeing dead animals..dead things... I will feel so sad...and my heart aches...
luckily my brother was around...to do the disposing of the "carcass" ... i couldn't even bring myself to look at it more.. sobs...and Dick is the soul survivor of the 3 now... cos Tom died few months back too. poor guy..he is so lonely....

besides the going of the hamster...nothing much happened today.. feeling kinda sian now..the thought of working tomorrow aint very helpful... haa. working graveyard..so it's gonna be "Sleepless in Changi Airport" tomorrow night. hope time wil pass really fast... *crossing my fingers very very hard*

thinking of all my friends and how I haven been seeing most of them these days.. been so busy with all the work n stuff. miss u guys loads.. actually I miss having fun a lot.. haven got much fun much these days le...ya man. tat sux.

alritey, been complaining a lot huh.. think it's such a bore to read my blog actually. not as happening as most blogs I read...so honestly, im darn grateful to YOU who are reading this.. heh. okay...promise Ill try to spice up my own life and give you some gooood stuff k.. no naughty stuff though..maybe till I get to the Bahamas... =)

love n lotsa metta...

died.again.

something happened today..nothing very unusual actually..nothing surprising...but it hurt..real deep. it was just a sms msg.. but it killed smtg inside me.. i think hope was part of it that died.

suddenly im wondering what's life about.. wondering when and how Ill ever find the meaning of it.
before u actually start thinking if im suicidal, stop... I don't think I am at least...
life is "full of meaning" or whatever they say.. but it's so hard to keep believin it when it doesn't prove itself, aint it? but thank godness Im a stubborn person..Im quite determined to live till I find life's meaning. it's bad karma to kill oneself anyway..I don't wanna be reborn as a cockroach u know... to be a target of all insecticides...and to get smashed by u. no way.

back to how I felt..it's so scary.. just straight after reading the msg, my mood dipped real low. I felt like a rejected good that has no use..I felt like a burden to others..I felt totally useless.. and hopeless..and trapped.... wtf..
u must be wondering wthell happened.. sorry I won't say it.. it's jsut not me to tell others my problems easily.. i don't know why..I just don't know how.. I used to be free of problems..used to be pretty pessimistically optimistic....but somehwere sometime I stopped.. it's sad aint it.. I feel sad too, oh but what the hell, life's full of crap ... and shit happens allll the time.

okay. I hope this post doesn't spoil ur day.. but I just needed to let it out somewhere. u helped..by reading. feel good about it cos I appreciate it...really.
Suddenly I wish so badly Im not here..I wish so badly Im skinny dipping in the Bahamas.. or dancing away in Hawaii.. or chasing the giraffes in Africa...or feeding the kangaroos in Australia...somewhere happy..and not here...

with metta...

skinny-dippin anyone?

feeling kinda stoned now. came back from nite shift (we call it graveyard shift..) today..tried to sleep..but cdnt.. tossed n turned ard on bed ..then gave up. been happening these few days..no wonder I feel so stoned.. body's numb.. brain's dead..almost. I so need a break.. I shall not think about havin to work tomorrow. hope I can survive...

tot about life these days..as in my life.. wondering what Im doing...wondering if I should be havin an aim to work towards..or a path I wanna lead.. bcos I feel like I ve been walking a path before..and then somewhere somehow I stopped , and ended up walking round n round the same place..without knowing where Im heading to..and not knowing which direction to head now. so...I juz go back to going round n round....

inside me...im secretly hoping there will be someone to pull me out of this "shit" and show me the way.. the way to happiness.. oh yea...n then when I think about it.. there probably is no "right" way to live life..no "right" path... n yes I know..loads of ppl will say..happiness is now...
yea..I can say that too..easier said than done huh.

anyhow.. was also "reminiscing" the days I had in KL.. alone in my little warm nest.. though it was kinda lonely in a way..but I miss it.. the freedom I suppose... cd do what I wanna do..dance ard like Im Britney Spears (*puke*) in my room..scream out of the balcony at the lagoon in front... sleep naked (heh.. u think so? ) .. it was all so fun!

well, of course I did get bit lonely at times.. but it wasn long before I got back to enjoyin the freedom..heh. the lousy part was prob the cleaning...had to sweep, mop my room..wash my clothes.. dry them..keep them.. fold them..blah blah. u get the point.
hmm.. I guess there will never be such an experience in my life again! so glad it happened though... it was a darn good experience..
kinda hoping I have a chance to do tat again though..maybe somewhere in New York..NZ..London or smtg.. the independent thingy..it's so addictive. haa.

oh yea.. was talking to my friend bout wantin to go for a holiday somewhere.. so craving for a sunshine holiday.. were talking bout the places to go... Maldives..Mauritiaus.. Hawaii...n if I could... go skinny-dipping somewhere in the Bahamas.. heh.. and cross my fingers I won't meet anyone I know. =) OOoohOoo

oh what the hell, I think Im seriously lack of sleep, excuse my rubbish.. (but Im not kiddin abt Bahamas though..) heh. okay. maybe I should go get a walk in the park..clear my bull-shit filled mind.. n hopefully get some sleep tonite.
suddenly realised I haven meditated for like the longest time.. been so busy n tired n all the excuses u can think of. maybe I should do it soon, best way to clear my mind Im told.
goodnite for now..

with metta...

same same...

juz came back frm work.. duh..wat else rite..come to think of it...my life these days is juz about WORK...omG. *faintz*...haa. then again...I think that's about everyone's life too? hmm..when they say "GEt A LIFE!"...what do they actually mean? Does ANYONE really have an ideal life?....

anyhow..work wuz fun today..had fun partners..nice customers.. everyting was not too bad! hmm...u knoe these days...I get asked a lot about what 's my plan for my future..am I gonna do this for real? the answer.... I really wish I actually know the answer dammit...

wanna know how I feel? frustrated.. lost.. annoyed.. scared.. worried.. disappointed..kinda useless sometimes.. quite a pest lot of times.. sigh. everything I feel about myself at this point of time in life.. I look around at my peers...almost all seem to have a direction..a great big career... a bf..a gf.. an ambition.. and then when I look at myself... *shit. Wat happened?*

oh well.. forget it..now, Im juz gonna do what I can do...go along..do things that I enjoy ...things that I like.. and hope the answer turns out someday...
I like my job now..it's fun .. ppl are nice.. I juz feel nice when customers are happy after a good cuppa drink or after catching a relax moment.. issn't it great to see others smile and enjoy?
I dunno about u..but I love that! =)

hmm..but honestly..am really broke..think I gota take up more jobs or smtg.. it aint enuff for survival I think..maybe somewhere else..definitely not in singapore...
esp. when I think abot having to support my parents soon.. im really getting stressed.. feel bad when my mum talks about being worried bt financial stuff..about how Im going to have to support them... etc.. makes me feel kinda useless. how come I din turn out to be a great lawyer or some rich doctor? wish I knew.


oh yea, my bruDdar talked bt wanting to get a dog..actually he's been on in for a loooong time..haa. I do too.. I wan a dog. (remember my post about my dream house with 2 funky dogs?...) Ill prob drag it to run man..haa.

but it sux when u think about the "logistics" stuff..no one too free to stay home to watch it..play with it often enough.. clean its shit frequently enough.. bathe it .. blah blah. sigh. well actually, that brings to the main factor agst the idea....*parents!* duh. they always use these reasons...hmm.. darnit.

then again, am kinda broke too..so totally can't afford a dog... u know how couples these days ..they dun seem to be having babies...but they are havign lotsa dogs..and spending TONS of money on it..dolling it up...etc.
they have the best food, best bed, best "shoes".... wah.. can't take it..a dog's leading a better life than me...sobz.
the funny thing is...these dogs.... end up getting chased by cats and rats instead of THEM chasing...

oh well, gota go wash my uniform n apron b4 turning in...u dearies take care huh. nite!
with metta...