died.again.

something happened today..nothing very unusual actually..nothing surprising...but it hurt..real deep. it was just a sms msg.. but it killed smtg inside me.. i think hope was part of it that died.

suddenly im wondering what's life about.. wondering when and how Ill ever find the meaning of it.
before u actually start thinking if im suicidal, stop... I don't think I am at least...
life is "full of meaning" or whatever they say.. but it's so hard to keep believin it when it doesn't prove itself, aint it? but thank godness Im a stubborn person..Im quite determined to live till I find life's meaning. it's bad karma to kill oneself anyway..I don't wanna be reborn as a cockroach u know... to be a target of all insecticides...and to get smashed by u. no way.

back to how I felt..it's so scary.. just straight after reading the msg, my mood dipped real low. I felt like a rejected good that has no use..I felt like a burden to others..I felt totally useless.. and hopeless..and trapped.... wtf..
u must be wondering wthell happened.. sorry I won't say it.. it's jsut not me to tell others my problems easily.. i don't know why..I just don't know how.. I used to be free of problems..used to be pretty pessimistically optimistic....but somehwere sometime I stopped.. it's sad aint it.. I feel sad too, oh but what the hell, life's full of crap ... and shit happens allll the time.

okay. I hope this post doesn't spoil ur day.. but I just needed to let it out somewhere. u helped..by reading. feel good about it cos I appreciate it...really.
Suddenly I wish so badly Im not here..I wish so badly Im skinny dipping in the Bahamas.. or dancing away in Hawaii.. or chasing the giraffes in Africa...or feeding the kangaroos in Australia...somewhere happy..and not here...

with metta...