alone in a big big world...

it was a good usual sunday today...seems like only 1 day in my week is typical but yet interesting! haa. went for youth...had a session on "Sickness".. where we were supposingly "handicapped" to complete a task...

I was one of the blindfolded ones.. during the whole time of being "blind"...I felt how most ppl fear feeling... insecure..fragile..afraid..neglected..inferior... It suddenly seemed like the world will go on without you in it. I had no idea what the others were busy doing..what they were talking about. Yet, I din wan to interrupt and disturb so I remained quiet n sat at my own place while the rest of the world busied.
That moment struck me..brought back a lot of painful memories.. the feeling of insecurity..the fear of being abandoned.. the trauma of being alone.. the fear of being inferior... It was so overwhelming.. I really don't know how to explain ...but I was just thrown back into the memories I hated.. Suddenly I felt useless and wished I wasn't in this world instead. Now..that was freaky.
Sigh. Sometimes I feel it's hard to be real. Ppl often see the outside of u...they don't know the other side.. however bad the other side is...we ourselves are the only ones that will truly understand. It probably sound deep. but Im sure each one of us have certain experiences or "secrets" that u'd rather keep to yourself..because u know no one else will understand it exactly the way u went thru. Talking about it sometimes understate the hurt. And u rather not be judged.

Anyways..after the session, some of us went to town to makan,jalan, talk cock.. happy hours as usual. haa. ..while talking to a friend...I realise how complicated humans relationships are...and how much individuals' differ in thinking...in behaving...and in characters? I guess that's why politics exist huh. No wonder world peace is impossible....

Something's wrong these few days.. something that makes me feel upset.. feel frustrated and annoyed...yet I feel Im to blame. It sux when u feel u are responsible for another's sadness isn't it?
But sometimes they don't know you are feeling equally helpless..and equally sad.. but u just don't want them to know..because u don't want them to worry. It really hurts..the guilt game always traps me. I hate it... I hope this will pass soon.

Let's talk bout something nice to cheer me up.. alright.Ill share a paragraph of a novel I read....it's what a girl said to her fiance-gonna be...

"You know...you'rn't like any of the guys that girls complain about......... You're not addicted to ESPN and porn...and don't have to win at games just to prove how great you are...... U know what it's like to serve others so when we go out..you don't treat ppl like crap... I like that u give ppl the benefit of the doubt, and drive like a granny..and don't give slow drivers the finger.... I used to think it was a show of weakness that u couldn't be bothered to get pissed...but now I realise that it's actually a strength...."

for someone like me who can't stop dreaming of meeting my Mr PerfeCt....that made me go "awwwwww"... wish I have someone to say that to..... Tell me where to find a man like that!!.... of course provided he's ...u know..looks like Hugh Grant...otherwise Brad Pitt will do... n maybe a built like Vincent Ng? haa.
Tell me if u know one. =)

Now ...that left me on a more positive note.. =) alrite sweeties, u guys have a good week ahead huh!

with metta...

Thank u my friends (5)......

This time I wanna thank a bunch of special friends I have....I know this gang since sec sch...sec 3 yr end I think.... tru a bbq...n these great friendships were made....
Remember how we used to hang out after sch...went for lunches...bowling.. movies.... pool.. Sentosa..tauning nights....n kaypo abit when some of us got attached.. n detached..haa. Since then....thru diff phases of youth life... even when we were in diff JCs..we hung out still... I really enjoyed these friendships...and the fun times we had.
I thank u guys for being there still when my health was crap.. when I was away in Da Ma... esp. the sweeties who carried the stuff toys I bought, tru the streets of Bangkok... haa. My mum can't get over it...the stuff toys are still laying nicely in my room...still inside their orignal plastic covers.. haa.
Yea...and u guys were the ones that made me realised how gentlemen should behave... at that young age when I knew u guys.... making sure we reached home safely was a big deal!!
And...regardless of how jerky some jerks can be...u guys are one of the minority bunch that represent hope for men.... =)

U know what...thanks for everything..and I really wish the flame of these friendships will keep burning...